Lollipops, Fishsticks, and Lemon Juice
by Calypso Rose
Summary: The Akatsuki decide to spend a pleasant day at the park. What could possibly go wrong? Much more than anyone could EVER hope for, it turns out. "Um, Kisame?" "Yea?" "FISH-ON-A-STICK! BWAHAHAHA!" "AUGH! IT BURNS!"


Lollipops, Fishsticks, and Lemon Juice

Gabrielle Chou

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"SENPAAAAIIIIII!!!" Deidara groaned and buried his head in his pillow. "What is it?" Tobi's voice was ecstatic through the door. "Tobi is here to wake you up because others are waiting for you!" Beside Deidara, Sasori groaned loudly. "What? Did we have another blasted meeting or something?" Here Tobi took the opportunity to ram down Deidara and Sasori's bedroom door. "No, you are coming to the park with Tobi! The others are waiting for you!" Deidara stared blankly at Sasori. "What?" Sasori shrugged. "Might as well make the best outta it…"

The park. Itachi had declared, in a disturbingly cheery voice, that they were to take the day off. It was met with excitement on the behalf of nearly all the members (Zetsu had been in his room at the time of the meeting debating among himself on whether lemon juice really _did_ dye your hair orange), and so now here they were, clothed plainly and trying to pull off their best show of innocence (it wasn't very nice, after all, to help the odd lady across the street… and then afterwards murder her and turn her into a puppet). In addition, Leader had brought along a lemonade stand in a desperate last attempt to raise more funds, for last month, Deidara had spent nearly $560 on perfumed hamster fur conditioner for his brand new pet, while Hidan had spent over $7,800 sending him to the local psychiatrist (Deidara, not the hamster).

After a heated debate with Konan on whether he or she had the best sales marketing expertise (what that meant, neither of them really knew), Sasori left Konan, Pein, and Hidan in charge of the lemonade stand and wandered off to examine some food stands. He walked up to one cautiously. "Umm, what exactly _is _this crap?" The vendor smiled winningly. "Fish-on-a-stick!" he exclaimed, holding up a rather cheerless-looking mackerel skewered on a toothpick. "AUGH, GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM M- um, I mean eww, um, no thanks?" Sasori glared coldly at the vendor and ran away as fast as he could before the owner could say anything. _Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Maybe I should just kill him and- ahh, wait, that'd ruin our guise, _he thought frustratingly. He approached another cart. "Hmmm, lollipops." He licked his lips hungrily. He _did_ need his sugar, after all he couldn't get his hands on any coffee that morning after Tobi had dumped a gallon of soy milk (Itachi was lactose-intolerant) into the coffee maker (Tobi… plus electronics…) and when it had proceeded to spurt out soy milk all over the room (again, the coffee maker, not Tobi), he had made the drastic decision to drop the whole thing (while it was still plugged in) into the fishbowl, where Tamuru, the Akatsuki mascot-fish lived.

Poor Tamuru.

Now thinking about it, the whole incident somehow reminded Sasori of the fish-on-a-stick (he has a rather dry sense of humor, you see), and, to his horror, turning back he caught a glimpse of the fish-stick vendor barreling towards him waving his butcher's knife (or his fisher's knife, or whatever those people have these days). "AUUUGHHHHH!!!" Sasori snatched a lollipop and started running. The sugar helped him run faster, anyway.

Meanwhile, Konan, Pein, and Hidan were attempting to sell lemonade. However, instead of sugar (becauseHidan had forgotten it), they had added salt (stolen from the local hot dog stand, of course). Sasori had taste-tested it and approved, but he couldn't taste flavors anyhow. Nevertheless, it at least _looked_ like lemonade, and Konan was unsuccessfully trying to market the drink to innocent passer-by (or passer-_bies_, depending on your level of grammar. See, mine's not that great). "Hey! Yeah, you! Come here, brat!" The young kid waddled hesitantly to the makeshift stand. "Umm, what?" Konan smirked. "Can you _read? _Lemonade, brat. Buy some!" The boy shuddered and walked away. "Umm, no thanks?" Suddenly Konan snarled like a mini-lemonade-demon, showing several rows of ferociously sharp teeth.

"HEY!!! GET YOUR **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP]** BACK HERE, YOU **[BLEEPING]** SON OF A **[BLEEEEEP] [BLEEP]**!!! DON'T YOU **[BLEEPING]** TALK TO ME, YOU **[BLEEPING] [BLEEPING] [BLEEP]**!!! NOW GET YOUR **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP] **BACK HERE, YOU **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP]**, AND **[BLEEPING]** BUY SOME **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP]** LEMONADE, YOU **[BLEEPING]** HEAR? GET YOUR **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP] **BACK HERE BEFORE I SERIOUSLY **[BLEEP]** YOUR **[BLEEEEEPING] [BLEEP]**, YOU **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP]** OF A **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP]**, YOU **[BLEEP]** **[BLEEPING] [BLEEP] [BLEEEEEP]**, YOU HEAR?! NOW **[BLEEPING]** COME HERE, YOU **[BLEEP] [BLEEPING] [BLEEP]** **[BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP]**!!! ANYMORE **[BLEEP] [BLEEPING] **QUESTIONS????!!!!!"

Konan finished her rant with a crazed look in her eyes, but she had failed to notice that the boy had been long replaced by Kisame, who was now off crying somewhere far, far away in a corner (or at least under a tree, right? Where _do _they run off to nowadays?). Pein gaped. "…He's weak…" was all he managed to gasp out. Meanwhile Hidan had been counting and swore angrily. "**[BLEEP]**, she broke my record." Several seconds later Itachi marched past. "Hey guys, have you seen Kisame?" Pein shook his head, but Konan, still in her crazed state, picked up a lemon and ripped it in half. Before Itachi could react she had squirted several ounces of lemon juice into Itachi's eyes. "AUGH!!! OH MY GOD!!! IT *BURNS*!!! AUGH!!! THE PAIN!!! AUGH!!! AUGH!!!!!" Itachi yelled, sprinting off while waving his hands madly in the air. Several feet away Pein heard Zetsu finally reach his decision. "Hah, I _told_ you lemon juice dyes your hair orange!" "**That's not orange, you dumbass!!! That's… ginger." **"What??!!! Stupid, anyone can tell you that's _orange,_ NOT ginger!!! And do you even know what color ginger is??!!!" **"Psshh yeah of course!!!" **"Well then how 'bout the time you found a white and brown cat and you named it Ginger??!!" **"Shut up you bastard!!! I liked that name!!!" **"Haha, _you like kitty cats_!!!" **"SHUT UP!!!" **"So anyways, his hair turned orange. I win." **"YOU FREAKING BASTARD!!! IT'S GINGER!!! GINGER!!! GINGER!!! GINGER!!!** **GET IT RIGHT!!!" **"Well he's gone now, so we'll never know." (Wasn't there something like this in those tootsie pop commercials or something? Well, I don't know, only Sasori watches those, you know. Sugar addict.) Pein winced as Zetsu started punching himself, much to the dismay of several mothers who were picnicking nearby (but seriously, who does that anymore?). Anyway, long story short, they never sold any lemonade.

Meanwhile, Sasori was trying to escape from both the crazy fish-knife person _and_ the lollipop vendor (he didn't really appreciate thieves. See, if Sasori had been wearing his Akatsuki cloak, he would have understood). As he turned back he saw the two vendors gaining on him (it's Drastic Measure time! See, you have to pronounce it with capital letters, Like This), so Sasori had made the drastic decision to try out an old jutsu. "Fire Ball Jutsu!" (At least being with Itachi all the time wasn't _totally _meaningless.) He watched in smug pleasure as the howling fireball engulfed the two dismayed vendors (there were no injuries involved. No life-threatening ones, at least). And then Sasori realized that the park was not the best place to use a _fire _jutsu. Sasori stared as the flames started to swallow trees headfirst and lick hungrily at the grass. The picnicking mothers started screaming and running, trying to pick up the last of their tuna sandwiches (Kisame wouldn't have been pleased). Sasori stared. And stared. Gulping nervously, he started walking away slowly as fast as he could (you know the feeling. You've done it before, admit it). Sasori then caught sight of Deidara, who had also been running, his eyes wide with terror. "AUUGHHH!!!! DANNNNAAAAAAA!!!!!" Flooded with relief, he skidded to a stop at Sasori's feet and pulled something out of his pocket and began sucking on it. "What _is_ that?" Snarled Sasori in disgust. "FISH-ON-A-STICK!!!" replied Deidara happily, momentarily forgetting about the fire eating up the entire park. With a jolt Sasori realized that Deidara had just picked it up from the ground (the crazy vendor had tried to beat Sasori to death with it) and plucked it from his hands. "Gimme that!" whined Deidara. "DEI!!! I need your help, the park's on fire… "(redundant yes?). Deidara whimpered. "What can I do?" Sasori smirked. "Haven't you ever seen on those educational shows (Kisame and Zetsu were really into them) when they use explosives to stop forest fires (actually, they don't really use explosives, but Sasori reasoned they would work)? Well… yeah. Help me out here." Deidara grinned happily. "YEY DANNA!!! Okay here I go…" Deidara formed several large birds of clay and shouted "Katsu!" repeatedly until they all blew up.

Unfortunately, this only spread the fire quicker.

"Um Deidara, what level was that chakra you just used?" Deidara seemed proud. "C-3! Highest quality! Art sure is a-" Sasori grabbed Deidara's shoulders and shook him roughly. "IDIOT!!! Okay, you know what, just _run_, okay? Get the others back to the hideout!!! NOW, you wo- uhh, I mean man!!!" Deidara whimpered a shaky "Okay" and darted off. Sasori turned back to the flames, which were now devouring the tennis court, and caught a cautionary glimpse of Zetsu, who was running past screaming and on fire (scarred for life, you know). Sasori groaned. _Well, darn._

Meanwhile, Hidan and Kakuzu were taking a nap in the shade of a large oak tree. Hidan stirred and wrinkled his nose. "Umm, Kakuzu…" "Yeah, what?" "Do you smell smoke?" Kakuzu sniffed the air for a few seconds. "Nah." "Oh, okay. Stupid flowers. Never liked them anyway." "Yeah, I know." "Yup." "Remember last Valentine's Day? My whole garden gave their damn lives for that bouquet." "Hehe. Yeah, I remember." And with that the two fell right back asleep.

Back at the Akatsuki hideout, Sasori finally happened upon Kisame. "Yo, what's up, fizzle mah shizzle… pizzle rizzle… drizzle…?" (Sasori _never_ uses those words. He just heard in on some weird television program on gangsters and decided to try 'em out for a change.) Kisame made no reply. He looked like he was out cold (but doesn't he _always_ look that way anyway? You know, blue skin these days…). Meanwhile, Tobi seemed completely undisturbed by the whole affair and had found the twosome. "Tobi had a good time!!!" he crowed. Sasori glared at him tried to rouse Kisame. "Yo Kisame, bizzle gizzle fo wizzle (It's not working, is it?)!!! Look, I bought you food!!!" Kisame stirred. "What? Oh thanks Sasori!!! What is it?" Sasori gave him an evil grin and held up the slightly charred mackarel. "FISH-ON-A-STICK!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!" Kisame gaped and swooned. "AUGH!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! IT *BURNS*!!!!!" Kisame went out cold again (or in his case, he stayed the same). Sasori stared. "Oh right… sorry Kisame!!! I forgot!!! Kukukuku…" He turned back to Tobi. "Yo Tobi!!! Look!!! I'm eating your mask, lizzle nizzle!!!" Here he gave a slow, pleasured swipe of the lollipop.

"AUUGGGHHHH!!!"

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Meheheheh. Feel the burn, Tobi. xD Well anyway hope you liked it!!! PLEASE REVIEW!!! Or I will die, and that's not good . Thanks!!!

~Gabrielle


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